I feel so pathetic. I already feel at the end of my tether. I’ve graduated uni and now I’m doing nothing. Summers ending and all I’ve had is rejection because they all take one look at me and know I’m a useless waste of space, I wouldn’t hire me either, there’s always someone more qualified, more ambitious, smarter, braver, more confident, prettier, just better. I’ll never be enough for an employer, a partner, friends, myself.
I just don’t see the point in trying anymore, after the next rejection that is clearly coming in the next few days, I think I’m just going to stop. Stop trying to make myself be okay, stop pretending when I’m around my friends. The drop is just too much for me. I just want it to all stop.
I’m just such a massive piece of shit, I have people who genuinely like me but I’m convinced it’s all lies because who could really care about me, there’s nothing to care about, nothing to like. I am nothing. Especially if I don’t get this job. Without it, It’s all over.
I think I’m super bait-y. Like if I’m in a shit mood I’ll message someone saying something that’s either super vague or really sad, trying to get a reaction out if them. I’ve been trying really hard not to do that for a while now, but it’s actually really hard.
When you want someone to know you’re feeling shit but you don’t wanna bug them or actually say it. Or when they did something that upset you and they don’t even know. I think I’ve gotten so good at not saying anything that I’ve got nothing left in me.
I am just a piece of shit. I thought I could pretend I wasn’t and everything was wonderful for once, but it’s not. I’m a failure. I can no longer do the one thing I’m good at. I keep searching for grad jobs and never applying because I know no one wants to hire this massive sack of shit.
Yet again, I’m here thinking the world would be better off if I just didn’t exist and I thought I was over this shit
Today marks exactly a year since I last cut and it feels SO good to be able to say that! Like, it’s hard sometimes and I don’t think it’ll ever be not hard, no matter how minor you’re self harm was, because it still means something. It doesn’t matter that you can’t see what I did, I still did it. Like, no matter what, I can’t take it back, even though I want to so so badly. I want to forget I ever did it and pretend those years were nothing.
Anyway, the point is that if I, the master of not letting go of bad habits, can do it, then you can too! Or, at lest you can try, and even if one day you relapse into it, no one can take away the achievement of not doing it, even if just for a day.
I really wanna fly off the handle again… And not like I did yesterday with anger in my room, alone. Like I wanna fly off in a rage at my friends. I wanna message them giving them shit for stuff they said and did.
I wanna make them hate me and stop being my friend because they shouldn’t be. No one should be
